The Long Goodbye…from Previous Posts 2009-2010

In the migration to WordPress all of my posts did not make it over.

Original Post 2009-09-13

Spoke to Dad. He asked me how the girls were doing which was great…means he still remembers them. Then I asked him about my half-brother. He asked me how I knew him. I simply replied, ”He’s my brother.”

I told him that we would try and go see him next summer if the finances work out. There’s no driving to Puerto Rico and we have no one there to stay with so we would have to do a hotel. We’re talking some major mula here. I wish I could see him so that whatever questions I have lingering in the recesses of my mind about why he left could simply vanish in the moment of a hug or an “I love you.” I don’t want to care about the past anymore.

I just want to hold him and tell him that I turned out all right despite the cards and that he doesn’t have to be sorry anymore. I want him to know that laughing really does a body good. I want him to know that I don’t have any regrets but more than anything I want him to know…

…that I love him.

Original Post -2010-06-01

I think I’ve finally figured out what it is that I seem to be slipping into and it’s a state of perpetual grieving. All of a sudden memories of when I was a boy and went to spend time with my dad are viciously more vivid in my dreams and when I’m awake. Even his Old Spice haunts me. As of this writing he still remembers me but what I am horribly terrified of is calling him and he not having any recollection of who I am. It normally takes me about 3-4 days to work up the nerve to call him because of that fear. Once I do then I feel better but then the process starts all over again. I feel like I’m turning into someone else.

Man, I hate it that this blog is starting to sound like it’s all about me. I don’t mean it to sound that way because he’s the one being tormented right now. He’s been moved into a home now and I can’t fathom what he must be going through. For someone so independent and self-reliant this has to be torture for him. We’re hoping that we’ll get to see him this summer. Certainly hope so but with that comes a fear that he won’t recognize me. Sorry, there I go again. Can’t help it. This is hell for everyone involved.

Original Post 2010-11-01

In just a couple of days I’ll be travelling to see my dad whom I’ve not seen in over 15 years. Around this time last year he was on his own and working and then the pile of bricks hit when I was told he has Alzheimer’s and will have to be moved into a home. He’s been there for a little bit and I have no earthly idea what his condition is, what meds he’s on, what kind of place he’s living in but I’m soon about to find out. The extended family that I have down there have been taking really good care of him but with me being so far away and not being there the anxiety level is heightened.

I’m struggling with a lot right now..leaving my girls behind for the first time with no extended family to watch over them. Some neighbors have offered (which was really kind of them) to hang out with them which I’m really glad for.

One of the things I’m struggling with is anger and angst. He could have met my family a long time ago but it just wasn’t a priority. Maybe it’s my fault. I don’t know. Parents are supposed to be there emotionally for their kids and our parents have been quite the opposite. I think I’m supposed to let that go. I’m trying. Someday I will. I know I won’t repeat the same mistake for my daughter.

The angst comes in that I have no idea what I’ll find, what he’ll be like, what he’ll look like, etc. I don’t want to leave my girls behind but I have to for now because I have to see him again. Even if he doesn’t remember.

I’m hoping that in a week I’ll feel better.

Leonardo Ramirez is an author of Science Fiction and Fantasy books for all ages. For more info, please visit http://leonardoverse.com and sign up for the blog.